Letting Go. or something.
March 30, 2009 by Stephanie
I was all set to write a big long thing about Spring Cleaning today. My kids have another week of school, then they’re home for a week for Spring Break. And then there’s Easter. It looks like we’re not really going to host anything, except maybe we’ll throw some plastic eggs in the backyard for our friend, Baby Max (he’s Jewish so he looks for eggs with us, and he’ll always be known as Baby Max, even when he’s 6 ft. tall).
And then I was going to get started on my list—probably with wiping down the blinds in the kitchen. Or maybe by hosing off the front porch.
But.
I can’t.
I just dropped my 4-year-old off at preschool and now I’m a sappy, weepy, crumbly mess. She’s going on a field trip today. To the firehouse. Without me.
One of the reasons I picked this preschool is because it’s about 1/4 of a mile away, and it’s only 9-12 hours a week (the extra 3 hours is for “Lunch Buddies”). And I like the teachers. I trust them, and I like that they are real grownups instead of college-aged kids. I used to run centers, and because of that I am very picky. SUPER picky.
anyhow. When I asked if I could come along for the field trip today, the head teacher (LOVE her) asked quietly if me coming along was “for me” or “for her” (meaning my daughter). I answered that I always go on field trips—-that was one of the reasons I work from home, blah blah blah. She told me that they already had enough parent volunteers, but that I was more then welcome to meet them at the firehouse, or to meet them someplace along the way and wave.
The firehouse is through the park, and down some steps. It is NOT far away. This was the teacher’s very kind and very supportive way of letting me know that it was time.
Time for me to chill.
I don’t know what it is, but ever since becoming a parent I’ve had a new heightened awareness of All. Things. Evil. I try my hardest to keep my neurosis to myself, and I don’t usually share out loud what I’m feeling/thinking. I know that I’m not supposed to project my anxiety to the kids, and when I take a deep breath the moment passes and I begin to relax. I know this, so for the most part that’s just what I do. I keep it in.
I don’t tell anyone that when I’m in a movie theater I plan escape routes. Or that I look for the defilibrator machine at the mall. Or that I hold my breath in elevators. Or that when we’re on the second floor of anything I’m aware which windows open and which do not. I don’t like stair cases that have open-air risers. Or when one side of a staircase is open instead of being walled-in. I don’t care for balconies, unless they are really wide. I hate it when the kids push on railings of any kind—– my stomach ends up in my throat and my heart flip flops.
I also don’t like fast driving, fast amusement park rides, airplanes, large bodies of water, or anything where I am not in complete and total control.
whoops. did I say that outloud?
Because I know that my thoughts are bat shit crazy irrational, I usually keep them to myself. It’s selfish of me to not allow the kids to venture off and make new memories and have new experiences. I know this. But I still have those fleeting thoughts where I want to wrap them in bubble wrap and shove them back inside.
I used to think that I was alone in these weird hallucinations about THE UNKNOWN, but most of my friends have reported similar thoughts. My friend Jenny has vertigo after having kids, and my friend Carol plans the same sort of escape routes in her head when in crowded places with her children. So when we’re together in a crowd we compare notes.
but we don’t tell our husbands. they’d think we were nuts.
And (completely unrelated, but maybe not). Do yourself a favor and DO NOT google “how many calories in a margarita?”
sigh.
I guess I should go hose off the porch. Maybe the kids will walk by!
*passing you cookies*
Oh, thank God, I’m not the only one!!!
Hope your day is uneventful. Hugs and calming thoughts coming your way.
Hi Stephanie,
I completely relate to today’s post. I think it is that kind of hyperbolized thinking that allows parents to react to things like skinned knees, bloody noses, and potty training accidents so well…. we are able to be calm because we are relieved that what happened wasn’t much MUCH worse! My husband and I both work out of the home full time, so our daughter has been in a terrific family daycare. I was so worked up about it that I started interviewing providers before I told my mom I was pregnant… I know… crazy! We looked far and wide and decided on a wonderful woman who lives very close to us. When we were leaving her house after signing the final confirmation (still with 6 months to go before the baby was even born!) I said to my husband, not only is she fabulous, but she’s so close that we can spend the next 9 months spying on her to make SURE she’s okay. That was definitely an inner-monologue moment Scott still wishes he had not been a part of : ) I hope the field trip was fun!
Awww….
This is PRECISELY why I’ve told my husband that we’re not even allowed to TALK about kindergarten in our house (my baby is almost one). We were just talking about what a scary world our kiddos live in. When we brought my baby home from the hospital some jerk cut us off in traffic and almost caused us to wreck on a major highway. My mom had to tell me to calm down. I started freaking out and was ready to hop out of the car and beat the stupid driver silly. It’s crazy how you see this whole new side of yourself emerge once you have kids.
And, hey – who cares how many calories are in that margarita. Drink up, Mama. Drink UP.
Your preschool teacher sounds FABULOUS.
I thought this was just me. I am such a relaxed person normally, and very cool about head bumps on furniture corners or falling and skinning knees. But I work in manufacturing, a place that my baby boy of course never comes, and still . . . I have visions of him crushed in these huge machines. At night scenes of him being crushed by a falling tree or stolen by some crazy person keep me up. The anxiety only gets the better of me once in a while, but it is so exhausting. I need a margarita myself!
I’m way past the preschool stage, with a 23 YO son and a 14 YO daughter. Having a teenage girl is killing me. She is much more social and adventurous (as in pushing every boundary she comes across). I wonder if I will ever have a good night’s sleep again.
I used to work for a professional sports team, and after being there and being able to sneak into back “staff only” walk ways to get from point A to point B… I start panicking if I can’t get out of a big crowd. (And “Big” is totally relative now. ) It’s only amplified if DD is with me.
And the pushing on the railings thing? I can’t even start to tell you how much of a panic that causes me to have.
Yep totally relate to the control thing!
This was a conversation at my book club meeting last month about how hard it is even to let their kids walk to school in the city – even for a few blocks. I thought that was unreasonable. I used to walk a mile to school. Then I thought about my daughter who will start school in a couple of years and who I don’t even like to let off the porch without holding my hand. Clearly I have a lot of letting go to do before she’s walking to school at any age – which she won’t be doing by herself anytime soon. I can totally sympathize with my mom who used to ask, or beg, me to call her when I got back to college late at night after driving back from breaks to let her know I was safe. I used to blow it off and tell her to get some rest. She was a saint! Still is and I owe her lots of chocolate and probably some margaritas, too – no matter how many calories there are in them.
I don’t have children, but I do have a STRONG maternal instinct I just use it instead on my dogs and I’m a nervous wreck if we go somewhere new with them or there’s LOADS of dogs that they don’t know ( one of our dogs has been attacked by a much bigger dog ) etc etc etc. I worry about forgetting the slip on doggie leashes that I have on the other side of the door for in case of fire or stray dogs that wander by. I worry with every cough, sneeze, bump and lump one of our dogs gets, he’s prone to LOADS of health problems…Okay, my POINT is…..Man can I sympathize with you!!!! His loads of hugs and cookies coming your way!
Like Bluegrass Mama, I have a 14 year old daughter. The worry I went through when she was little seems like nothing in comparison with what I am going through now. For example, a couple of weeks ago, when her heart was breaking and her pillow was soaked with tears because some boy dumped her, it was the worst moment in my life. Mainly because I couldn’t do anything. The scrapes, falls, bumps etc. when they are little are worrying and distressing, but at least you can (usually) do something to make them feel better. You can’t fix their broken heart. And that hurts. Sorry to be depressing!
I’m so glad to see this! I’m expecting our first child in September, and at 35, I’m becoming more and more aware of “All Things Evil.” It scares me, because I don’t want to be the paranoid, overprotective parent, but still…
Then I remember that I somehow made it through as a kid, and my parents were good parents. (and my husband tells me to just relax)!
Thanks!
My children are 19 & 16 years old. I felt this way at one time then one day I had this epiphany. In a very short time my kids would graduate and go on to college where I wouldn’t be with them every day. It was my job to make sure that they were prepared to make good decisions and choices without me, to do things on their own and take care of themselves. It meant letting go a little earlier than I was prepared to quite often but keeping that goal in mind made it all a little easier. It was hard sometimes but I can’t tell you how proud I am of my kids and their independence. Good luck!
You mean I’m not the only one?! My son just turned 8 years old and he is the only child we will more than likely have (fertility issues). I have big time control and fear issues that I struggle with on a daily basis.
Couldn’t have said it better….just glad I’m not the only one that’s like that!!!
So glad I’m not the only one who feels that way.
As a child I used to think my Dad was crazy for talking about fire escape routes, being careful about balcony rails and all that stuff. Now I’m a parent and find myself automatically doing the same thing – I just don’t mention it to my children.
You know, this is just really an individual thing. My kids are 10 & 8 and I thought they wouldn’t care by now if I didn’t go on field trips or come for class parties but they are very hurt if other kids have their parents along and my husband or I don’t show up. I remember feeling the same way (my mom worked and never could go to anything) when I was in school. I figure the reason I didn’t work while they were in preschool and only work half time now is so that I can be there for them, especially if they want me there.
Right there with you – and my kids (especially my daughter!) push the limits DAILY! By the way – what a great preschool teacher! I probably would have stopped along the route and waved – oh, and taken a picture, ’cause that’s how I am
Pregnancy makes permanent dents in your sanity. I’m learning to accept and live with it… it’s not you, it’s a physical change, I’m sure of it!
I am still encouraged to spend a lot of time with my kindergartner, but the 3rd graders do not need as much. I make myself keep a distance, but I feel very unbalanced and guilty. Repeatedly telling myself that this is when the older kids need to become more independent makes sense to my brain… but not to my insane mom-instincts.
Before I had kids I told me husband “I’m never going to be old like THAT”. THAT referred to the way his mother would always say ‘Ooh, be careful, you could fall off that.” Or “that could come loose and cut your hand” etc.
Now I hear myself saying it to the kids.
You think its bad now, wait until the first time they ride their bikes to school. Alone. And home again. At one point one of us says “You realise if they never even made it to school we wouldn’t know until they don’t come home this afternoon.” Very difficult NOT to call the school and ask if the boys were both in class and in one piece (each).
DH and I were both standing at the end of drive from 3:30 onwards, watching down the street. I still have a little knot every day until they turn into the drive, almost a year later.
Yes, you need to let go…. of the calorie counting. You can’t worry about your kids AND calories.!!
I cannot drive through an intersection without scanning the cars around me to see which one will run their light and hit me. I decide how I would swerve and everything. I can even hear the crash in my head.
The calories in the margarita are well worth it….DRINK UP!!!
You crack me up! I am sitting here sipping a margarita! What are the chances? UGH! I don’t want to know do I?
thanks, Jen. She’s home safe and sound, and with a plastic fire hat, two stickers, a coloring page and a lollypop. it was a good day.
xoxo steph
I am so there! P.S. There is a “Skinny Girl’s Magarita!” http://www.theinsider.com/news/824809_Skinny_Girls_Margarita_Recipe_from_The_Real_Housewives_of_New_York
It’s exactly the same but it works. LOL.